The immediate vision of a ship may be huge in size, travelling through the vast ocean with waves to encounter, and that feels a fair description of friendship. The journey of friendships has been a very mixed one for me, and maybe like you has travelled many different circumstances, experiences, and outcomes.
As a young child I felt quite alone. Any flashbacks I have involve family but not friends. It may be due to the fact that I suffered with severe Asthma as a child which made me automatically different, affected my attendance at school, my involvement in activities, and of course the care of my family. I do have one random memory of a group of girls showing up at my front door as I hadn't been at school and they were perhaps confused as to why and said some hurtful things at the door. When I moved onto high school I was quiet and saw the world differently, and as a result found it hard to connect with others but I did have one friend and we entertained each other with our own quirky humour, likes and dislikes. In my late teens into twenties I had more boys as friends than girls and played pool, drank beer, and played football despite having a career as a Beauty Therapist - I told you I was a bit quirky! Truth is I wanted to be a nurse but due to my own health experiences early in life I had a fear of dying, and losing people I cared for felt unbearable. So, I saw the next option from being a nurse to being a beauty therapist, a way to care for others somehow. In my studies I still felt a little out of my comfort zone and whilst was friendly with my peers there were no firm friendships. My high school pal was still intact but we would and still do have long gaps between our communication but we know we are there for each other.
The turning point in friendships for me was when I became a Mother, and like so many women with our cycles was in tune with a couple of my partner's friends wives, and we gave birth to our beautiful children within close timings. We curated chocolate Fridays, and grew together as we navigated motherhood. After an intense personal time where I turned in and shutdown I naturally isolated myself from true friendship capabilities - I didn't know how to reach out as I was so used to being classed as the optimistic, spontaneous one. I know on reflection that the support would have been there but at the time I did not want to burden anyone with the pain I felty so deeply in my heart. Somehow I felt able to listen and support others but not so able to be the one to be listened to. That feels very deep and soulful to write, and I will continue to explore that part of my friendship journey.
I have also had some very deep friendships but these have been difficult to maintain with distance as I chose to relocate. I felt my living environment did not feel aligned to me personally or professionally but it came at a cost of those friendships. I feel like I've been slowly, very slowly re-learning how to make and reconnect with friends over the last eight years.
While I revisit this text, a conversation in my head I can see on the face of it I may be a loner, perhaps comfortable on my own without consistent friendship as I interact with people in my work and have a family too. However, I did manage to maintain a friendship despite often not being in the same country, a friendship where I felt understood, never judged, with wholesome conversation, laugh out loud giggles, while we both navigated full lives. I will and continue to be eternally grateful for this friendship, and at times wished I could hold more friendships like this, where we meet regularly, pick up the phone spontaneously, and be there through every meandering path life takes us on but at times I feel so awkward, I overthink, and trust people have enough 'other people' in their lives, and what's coming to mind is the word burden again. That interests me to think that I think I will be a burden to others. It's fair to say I have a full life perhaps as big as a ship but there are beacons along the way whom I see and feel grateful for the interaction, and the bright light they shine on my life. Whilst we may not be deep friends I am grateful for the moments of friendship, so thank you.
Take a moment to reflect on your personal experience of friendship. This exercise of writing tonight has shone a light on some areas of growth for me, I hope it does for you too.
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