ALERT: May contain triggering content
As a parent, you might be noticing that the relationship with your child may ebb and flow, and when you experience silence, a breakdown, a wall of reduced communication you may feel lost and, even despair.
The image that may have brought you to this post (below) was created by my child and their style will feature regularly on this site, partly as a way of anonymity but, mainly as a form of expression. I asked my child if they could create something that shows the recent reconnect that we had experienced - a connection, a spark through creativity - her art, my writing.
I can't truly describe in one word quite the experience we have had in our relationship in the last two years but let's start with the numbers. Our birthdays are close, they are; 14 and 44. As well as creativity, numbers also brought us together recently. Do you ever get a 'feeling' about a number? You don't know fully why but you just have your favourites. Well, theirs is 8 (4+4=8) and 3 is definitely not comfortable. Imagine spending your entire lead up and your journey within the age of 13 when you don't like the number 3. In this same year our child experienced heightened anxiety, thought-led eating issues that led them to lose weight, referred for a stage 2 ASD assessment, shutdown from any contact with friends, extended family and at times their immediate family and, quite literally not stepping foot outside or further than the garden. This same year also brought open dialogue between a mother and child where honesty came to the forefront. A truth that even I struggle to write, let alone say out loud so it is only best to share in the words of my child who after a face to face conversation continued to text me as it was too difficult for them to say out loud too.
When I wanted to die, I tried to hang myself but it was too scary and my neck hurt after
Two months later we had another big open conversation and again it continued via text
When I feel depressed, I just feel like really sad and think about death a lot but I know that I can't do that because I get scared but that makes me feel worse, like I'm suffering more. I did the cutting thing, only scratches with scissors but I accidentally did it one time and there was some blood and it made me feel less depressed.
If you have made it this far you may already have lots of questions, you may even want to help and you may also wonder why I am 'going there' on such a personal subject. Writing is my therapy, helping other people has been my entire career and if this post helps somebody, somewhere then I'm glad I found the courage to share the story. 'Me too' is and has been a massive movement and some of the things I have faced in life; bankruptcy, miscarriage, a child with Downs Syndrome and now a child with suicide ideation and self-harm, are all unspoken topics but they are part of mine and others real life stories. However, I'm scared of people saying 'me too' on this particular topic because I really hope there isn't more suffering this way especially as a child but I know you're out there so hear me now 'me too'. How do you talk about a subject like this when a friend or boss says 'how are you today' or 'how was your weekend'. In truth I have felt fake for the last two years as I haven't been able to say my true answers to those questions and while of course it's just not the right place to say, it's also an extremely hard thing to say. I've felt tearful before meetings or calls, I've cried myself dry before anything big at work and as I tried to navigate conversations within friendships and family I've had to open up and it has been like releasing a valve initially but what I didn't think through is just how much I would need to prove what we have been doing, that things are okay when they are okay and managing others reactions (which by the way I completely understand) but I really didn't know what that would bring to the whole experience.
Some of you reading this may be in this situation right now so if you're wondering how to 'be' a friend, family or colleague support just be mindful but, don't walk on eggshells. You can see the kind of conversations I've been having recently with my own child so nothing shocks me anymore. Allow me to go there if I need to, please don't avoid it. Give me space to breathe between words.
Going back to reconnection and finding a new way to communicate between parent and child and, has been quite an exploration. Seeking out what makes your child engage while respecting their need to be alone is such a fine balance. I've been mindful not to walk on eggshells and instead take the stance of being open to listen, not solve and allow myself to react to what I hear naturally.
When my child told me what had happened two years previous I just cried and they didn't fully understand what the big deal was, as obviously it was not successful and they say their anxiety stops them doing it again. For me, it was my biggest fear I faced death as a kid myself when I was very ill with Asthma and it made me not ever want to experience it for myself nor anyone I knew and even didn't know. In my mind I made everyone invincible, we were all going to live forever. Little did I know that I would have to face it head on with other children on the wards just 'gone' one day, a friend at school was ruthlessly murdered, I miscarried 2 of our 5 children, I'd lose relatives and even hold hands with my Grandad as he softly faded away. He held my hand so tightly almost like he was reassuring me that he would be okay and now my Auntie has just been given 6-9 months to live. My personal experience with grief of this kind made me feel so many things when it was uttered by my very own child. Traditionally, I would scoop in and try to make everything okay but somehow I was called to listen, hold space and keep conversations open. I'm so thankful I am doing that but I can't deny that sometimes I sit in the dark listening for things, alert to run upstairs when needed, fear of falling asleep and not being there when they need me most and the walk up the stairs in the morning as I prepare myself for opening the bedroom door to check they made it through the night.
As well as listening we connected over creativity, in fact they re-birthed my creativity which empowered my writing here with you now. They let me in to their creative world of art, introducing me to characters they'd created. All of their skills self-taught and they switch between digital as you see below and pencil to paper. I sit on the end of their bed and sometimes I draw too as they teach me how and as I write they too feel inclined to write. it's a beautiful exchange of energy and I believe has given us something else to talk about. You can imagine how dominating mental health is in each of our days but it's important to have other things to talk about in between. I felt compelled to highlight the word CONNECT, find it, seek it, discover it for silence in these circumstances can disconnect the relationship that was born out of natural connection as mother and child.
Comments