I'm here at a moment of alignment, an in sync moment with a documentary on mental health, and on there musician James Arthur summarises a conversation with 'it starts with a seed' as he spoke with a group of lads about their varying interactions with their own mental state from depression to attempts of suicide. In sync because a short while ago I had a meltdown, I'd self-doubted myself on a project that minutes before was blossoming. All because I was being asked questions I didn't know how to answer verbally and I went into a melting pot of 'here I am again', 'turning something that should be kept small and I'm trying to turn it into something magnificent', 'why can't I just do the small things', 'why do I amplify ideas into massive ventures to save the world'. 'Surely I know better by now!' I felt unsteady, wobbly, and unsure where it would go from here yet I returned to my creative design on my laptop and words flowed again. I was surprised they would or even could, I was in disbelief for what was taking shape before my eyes and guess what I entitled this part of the project...'It all started with a seed' in sync with you James! I smile at the mere coincidence or rather the serendipitous moment. Then the calming words of my partner land with me so creatively that they become the title to this very blog!
Writing is my saviour, I need to trust in it more, write more, create more and this year it all began with taking up the gratitude challenge set by my partner to write down 3 things each day. It's an interesting process as I would describe myself as having the feelings of gratitude everyday but writing them down, solidifies them, honours them, and makes them feel so worthy, sacred even!
Weaknesses, at 45 years old, I haven't got any inclination to spend time with them. I do more with the very things that bring me joy, fill my cup, help me to be energised and a balanced person to be around but when you look at this title 'Don't let your weaknesses derail you', and read the first two paragraphs you can see that I have allowed these weaknesses to derail my spirit - the thing that lights me up. So, what's the solution? Start spending more time with the weaknesses well, to be quite frank at 45 I've also been spending lots of time with the hard stuff, rediscovering my true self, reaching deep within so I'm not sure I could add this to my processes right now or even ever! But, also to be frank when I reach out for support on my weaknesses I don't always enjoy what is being said!! It derails my energy, my belief, imposter syndrome sets in, and I feel for want of a better word a bit silly for even trying to pen the detail to my visions so much so that I end up underestimating all I've put in. The irony, well all the answers to the questions asked pre-meltdown are written within all I have penned!! What am I like, what are we humans like? Why do I doubt myself, why do we doubt ourselves? Where to go, well to the why. If you knew that the 'why' for this particular part of the project was 'to impart how I teach material through a sensory framework - engaging all the senses in every lesson plan and how to be adaptable to individuals within an hours after school club'. Would you be keen to know at least a little more?
I know I'm capable of creating, bringing ideas forward, and expanding upon them, making them visual but I feel incapable of launching things, even with my slower and steadier pace of decision making.
I'm not sure if it's fear of failure, putting energy into something that doesn't come to something, or for simply no-one to engage with the content. It's an interesting moment for me, I'm going to tune into it...I'll be back.
I'm back, it took less time to unearth it than I first thought, thinking this might sit in my draft folder for at least a few days but it's as clear to me as I could ever seek. It's my voice, the sound I'm discovering as a podcaster, the action phrase that I aspire to be rather than a job title 'a voice for positivity and growth'. I'm protective of what I've created because it means a lot to me as it's so true to me, true to what I would dream of putting into the world, so true it's right! Get back to it keep experiencing what you feel, keep working through, you'll know when it's ready. Trust.
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